;

This dreams about you made me realized I haven’t properly dealt with it. I’ve been hiding my feelings about you .i put ours memories into a box and burried deep in my mind. This dream reminds me how passionate how joyful how warm ur energies were. I’m the opposite I guess I once were u. But life makes u tough and cold. I miss that feeling I miss that warmth u radiate into the world. Ppl around u are lucky to have u. And I am regretting not having you in my life. I wish I can meet ppl like u in the future that brings out my inner child.

Did not realize how gay I appar until recently Lol I guess I’ve finally feel comfortable in my own queer skin.

Dreams are a funny thing.

I’ve been trying so hard to forget abt you. Then I had a dream about u last night. U asking why I ghost u it breaks ur heart. I remembered vividly that I still had that feelings that tingling that feelings of home and safe around u. In my dream U were as warm as u once were. It made me sad if I had just talked to u things will be completely different. The dreams felt real in my head i said to myself wow the tarot came true. I’m thinking abt this dreams while in transportation. Can’t help but think will I ever see you again will I ever felt this way for others?

And now we go again u are stuck in my head .

Wtf universe!!! I really try to forget and been doing so good !! Wtf !!!!!!

“those who are heartless, once cared too much”

Why am I just realized that I’m the one sabotaging my own happiness. I’ve been pushing ppl away for as long as I could remember and last week!? Venus rx made me think and wort rx ever. Cuz I never realized how much I hurt ppl with my passive aggressiveness/ detachment. I did certainly regret a lot of thingsin the past. But it’s no use looking at the past all I need to do now is move on and clear my heart charka . I once scared too much and what I got was heart broken so since that day I told myself never again. Even if I’ll never feel things anymore. I just want to be like a robot with no feelings. Ive learnt it the hard way and I don’t think ill ever recovered from that. but this recent Venus rx forced me to dive deep into things that I’ve buried deep inside; my failed relationships. it made me looked  at this clearly as ever. I’m the main problem I’m the toxic one . I’m the crazy one. I’m the detached one. I think I’ve finally learn my lesson. I need to follow my intuition and trust it. I’ve always thought there is sth very wrong with me cuz I’m not able to feel romantic attraction toward ppl. since its what society expects what teenage girls talked about (which is stupid ). Ive been told I’m weird and such.so this made me think maybe I’m just programmed differently. I can count how many times I felt romantically attracted to someone 3!! 3!!! people in my entire life. I’ve just discovered “aromatic “. Im so happy and reliefed when I came across this info. anyways, my thought are flowing crazy and I know this post won’t make any sense or whatsoever(probably no one ever read it ha). when this recent Venus rx in scorpio hits. I can’t sleep .When I closed my eyes I saw 2 ppl I hurt deeply and I can’t help but distracted myself. I hurt the girl that I deeply connected with cuz at the time I was not ready to out myself as bi and was also not ready to let love in. the other one was a dude that I had a crash on and I knew the feeling was mutual but I ghost out cuz. I can’t handle it. the attraction was so strong and my rational mind kept telling me this is a red flag so yeah. I did what sensible adult will do I ghost him out.  and I regretted  it ever since . Idk why but I can’t shake things off with him. we never got intimate but idk why me just shake things up for me. idk if thing make sense or not but when I first saw him at school I thought to myself wow this is the guy of my dream. I feel like home with him I do like his energy the sent out very welcoming very warm (which is opposite of me). he reminds me of who I was when life didn’t hit me when I was still innocent are care about things so deeply. I guess universe has a way to tell us thing. Probably the reason I can’t stop thinking about is that I see myself in him.and the universe wants to be be the person I was when I was young. the person who love life the person who are loving are passionate about life /things. life hits me with curlity and broken hearts. I was  tired and I loose faith so I start to put on this mask for better  or worse lives goes on. like the saying "those who are heartless, once cared too much" . To this day I still remembered how he made me feel even tho how he looked had buried in my mind but not the vibes he made me feel. the rx really is a eye opener and thank you universe for making this clear. it doesn’t even matter if I ever gonna meet him again cuz  we never had a future to begin with. for a whileihad this fixation  that he was my twin flame and I stand by it. looking back I  feel so stupid. I don’t even meat anything to him and how funny is that he meant  everything to me.

I think for once I need to move out for my mental health

This firey progressed asc/sun makes me so extra and loud. I’m loving this new energy.looking back I did learn a lot thro my firey friends:Don’t be apologetic for being who u and stand up for urself.

I’ve just realized me and my high school friend that I’ve have always feelings for .When we first met I immediately drawn to her as if we have met before.A Déjà vu feel. I can’t stop staring at her at orientation. Feeling safe feeling as if I know her in the past even at that time just saw her once. I did not know I can have feelings/ connection with any human. I’ve always felt/feel indifferent when it comes to relationships. Girls my age scared me all they care about or talked about were boys. I on the other hand wouldn’t care less. I’ve always not interested in romantic relationships not wanting to be in slave?! (Is this the right word? ) for men. Idk still don’t want to be in a relationship that’s just not something I’m incarcerated for. Ive always thought relationships are suffocating. All I want Is a group of open minded ppl that I can share my life with in a none romantic way. Years later i met this warm friendly dude who resembles micheal Cera and his characteristics that I’m instantly/ magmatic attracted to. ( as if we met before something so familiar about him). He is an Aries,again I don’t know his birth time /year so..useless. Anyways now I understand astrology ( not an expert )I can’t help but compared this attraction between the two. ( even tho I don’t have their bithtime). He also made me felt like home/safe. But with him he triggered my deepest rooted fear/ anxiety/ toxic masculinity/my sexsual abuse past. Before him i never felt this emotional connection with a male. (nEVER!! They disgust me) Seldom do I felt sexual attraction with a dude let alone emotional/romantic attraction. Anyways I felt like this attraction is more Neptune-pluto irrotational feelings/ obsession etc. But with her it’s a different story. It’s not like lower vibration Neptune/pluto for me. I don’t feel like it a illusion/delusion like with him. (I had to constantly remind myself it’s all in my head). I don’t have to guess if the feelings was mutual. I know it was. I felt like I do see very clearly not wearing rose colored glasses. But yeah again I ran cuz Relationship scared me and had never been in a relationship. And scared of letting my heart go/ trusting people. And the deep rooted subconscious fear of rejection/vulnerability/betrayal ……. I know I hurt her feelings and I still feel like shit.we had those aspects and wow so accurate for me. ( idk I’ve always drawn to Aries /Gemini /Mercury/Uranus/mars not Scorpio for god sakes) Her birth time is unknown so her moon will not be accurate. She has 25 degree Aries moon so +6-6 . Anyways let’s pretend she have Aries moon( I strongly feel like she hav Aries moon) anyways I use 12pm as her bithtime cuz I had to check and yes I know it won’t be accurate but….

Her vertex conjunct my hades moon in Scorpio /My moon conjunct her pluto/vertex and other aspect between Jupiter/Neptune/ Mercury/ Uranus perhaps Saturn aspect I hav to double check in aspects

My vertex conjunct her moon in Aries

My mars conjunct her moon in Aries

Her pluto conjunct my moon/pluto/Asc/BML

Her Jupiter on my MC

My Venus conjunct her mars /Her mars in my 8th house

Pluto conjunct eachother but mine is retrograde

Did I sabotage this relationship?I read somehow it’s fated we destined to meet. And this made me sad. We still in contact but not as close as we used to. I felt like she purposely distance herself from me I can’t blame her for doing that.

Im feeling a strange energy these days so i opened my progression chart but don’t know where to start. Any tips, advice, or links would be greatly appreciated.

I can be very optimistic one sec and then downhills Pessimistic. I really need to stop negative thoughts/ mindset. Cuz so far what i fear the most ( my negative thoughts) had came true. synchronicity .All I know is I need to change my crazy mind/thoughts to positive all the time.

This mars transit made me so angry/aggressive

But so far I’m enjoying it. Instead of suppressing my anger cuz we are told as “female” so hide /be submissive. Don’t show anger don’t show ur flaws. It’s not attractive blah blah blah. I do feel like I’m so free and at the same time been thinking why it took me so long to be okay to show my anger/aggressiveness. Because it’s how I’ve been raised. When my brother is aggressive is okay when I’m aggressive there is something so wrong about me. Like wtf a “female “ can’t have anger problems?! I do know I scared the hell out of family members and they always pointed fingers when things so wrong. It’s always the crazy one fault. Like dude just clam down . False accusations are the worst and karma will find u shame on u. Anyways, this transit made me realized I don’t need to hide/suppressed my angers just to make ppl who don’t care about me happy.i don’t need to deep breath and ignore my anger. It’s inrooted in me. Rather than put it a side I think I need to be more like a fire sign and yell at ppl without thinking about any consequence . I think I’ll be so much happier. Be more like fire signs no one really dislike them as far as I know ppl always say they are true to who they are . But when a water sign ( not Scorpio) ppl say they are emotional and Scorpios usually are on a pastel by being mysterious . I mean I don’t understand why .

I’m just so empty all the time

Feeling so stuck in between this reality and my inner subconscious. I wanna leave everything behind and go to a place where no one knows me. But that’s just a day dream I wish I would achieve one day. My anxiety won’t allow me to just leave . I know I can’t let my anxiety rule my entire life and live life in tremendous fear. Wanting to escape but so stuck inside my head. Wanting to explore the world and not being attached to things. I know my anxiety is preventing things to happen. I’m socially awkward and thinking about moving to another country makes me scream but idk why I’ve always wanted move to somewhere but here. The feeling that I don’t belong here yet there. Recently I’ve been starting to questioning my entire life decisions and why I ended up like this. Big part is my childhood. The fear of rejection. The fear of emotional intimacy. The fear of being vulnerable. The fear of being a copycat . The fear of not being the authentic self. Idk so much fear that why I’m so stuck. Now I’m ready to face it and realized I need to start frash ground zeore . But where where should I go. And soon Saturn will come and collect it payments and I’ll be doomed. I really need to get my shit together cuz I’m so scared I’ll kill myself when my Saturn returns.